Lo and behold, the reason for my epiphany:
6:30 P.M.---I'm antsy, smelly, sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a stuffy classroom, and discussing mediated memories in the digital age. Over it. I put my knee up against the rim of the table, place my notepad on it, and I pretend I'm taking notes on van Dijck and her brilliant account of bullshit...I continuously nod my head, and voice a little "Yes, absolutely," every blue moon. Now, the art of pretending you're paying attention in a 12 person, 4 hour long Religion 405 seminar is to make sure that none of your other bored fellow classmates see you are actually not paying attention. Religious Studies students are amazing, but they are nosy as shit. And they will call you out for it. So, the knee on the table trick is the perfect way to keep their pestering eyes off my dazzling list of career possibilities. It is already a page long, and starts with a librarian & ends with a leprechaun. Whelp. I'm screwed. No, just kidding, there are some normal ones in there--but either way, each one of my dream careers entail an underlying notion of something that has been pestering my brain for these two months now. Something that I always lead back to when trying to be practical about my life after graduation...my constant desire to simply give love in this lifetime and be in love with loving. To fulfill a life of simply giving and putting a smile on someone's face-whether a child, the neighborhood slut, or even Kermit the frog puppet himself (that's an easy one). Just to make a career out of love...it's what I'm good at, and when you read my thoughts later, you will understand more of the details of such a luxurious career.
IMPORTANT: Keep in mind that every single stinking time careers come up at bars, dinners, on the toilet, I sound nuts.
But the question is: Am I really nuts? That is where my new favorite book & epiphany chime in.
8:30 P.M.----I'm sitting in the library video chatting with Jessie, volume on mute, and watching her shed enough tears for a leprechaun to water his plants for a year. Consoling my best friend, I had this sudden urge to make a trip to Barnes&Noble (Not Borders, I'm a loyal B&N member). And when I normally feel these urges, I go with it. Nine out of ten times something lands in my lap and makes me feel like I can put the pedal to the metal and get the fuck off cruise control. And well, sometimes what falls into my lap is also my double shot Venti Cafe Americano that burns my vagina, but a book often follows. Anyway, I could not get this whole "love" thing out of my mind. I wasn't searching for any answers either-I have literally had this notion teetering in my brain for months now, and I was just about to throw it on the back-burner----do away with its constant nagging and how pitiful it made me feel--until Kermit. I was having dreams, INTENSE dreams, screaming at me to write things down, and I just couldn't.
Quick note: Not too long ago I was obsessed with the Twilight saga and I spent too much time thinking of vampires. Good example-Joey was sick once, and apparently in the middle of the night, I turned to him and said, "You can bite me if you want". Why? Well, because I thought if he drank my fucking vampire blood he would heal faster. NUTS. Anyway, with this Twilight craze came constant refreshing on the stepheniemeyer.com website, etc...and once I stumbled upon a letter she had written that said:
I woke up (on that June 2nd) from a very vivid dream. In my dream, two people were having an intense conversation in a meadow in the woods. One of these people was just your average girl. The other person was fantastically beautiful, sparkly, and a vampire. They were discussing the difficulties inherent in the facts that A) they were falling in love with each other while B) the vampire was particularly attracted to the scent of her blood, and was having a difficult time restraining himself from killing her immediately.
Though I had a million things to do (i.e. making breakfast for hungry children, dressing and changing the diapers of said children, finding the swimsuits that no one ever puts away in the right place, etc.), I stayed in bed, thinking about the dream. I was so intrigued by the nameless couple's story that I hated the idea of forgetting it; it was the kind of dream that makes you want to call your friend and bore her with a detailed description. (Also, the vampire was just so darned good-looking, that I didn't want to lose the mental image.) Unwillingly, I eventually got up and did the immediate necessities, and then put everything that I possibly could on the back burner and sat down at the computer to write—something I hadn't done in so long that I wondered why I was bothering. But I didn't want to lose the dream, so I typed out as much as I could remember, calling the characters "he" and "she."
From that point on, not one day passed that I did not write something. On bad days, I would only type out a page or two; on good days, I would finish a chapter and then some. I started from the scene in the meadow and wrote through to the end. Then I went back to the beginning and wrote until the pieces matched up. I drove the "golden spike" that connected them in late August, three months later.
Point of this? First, anyone who knows me, knows I love fiction & I love writing. My dream has always been to be a writer, but I think that the world & NY Times Bestseller list doesn't deserve my shit. Second, I have seriously intense dreams, and have been starting to abide by what these dreams are telling me, because according to dreammoods.com and Stephenie Meyer's, they are my pot of gold.
Okay, so back to Barnes&Noble. Probably around 10:00 now. I begin browsing for the perfect journal-I knew that needed to be my first goal-find a journal TONIGHT. I had been too cheap and putting it off for too long, and tonight I was feeling fierce and lustful, ready to buy myself a twenty dollar leather bound journal! Ha, just kidding, I'm not really that cheap, but I did go for the $12.95 one. I have been keeping my dreams and money making thoughts inside my head because I have been afraid I would fail at being great. But tonight, I was feeling lucky. And lucky I was.
Okay, thank you so fucking much Kermit.
Jim Hansen, my hero: Writer, father, lover, enthusiast, dreamer, child at heart, creator of the flipping Muppets!---Are those not all of the qualities I possess? Well, I'd rather be a mother instead, and it would feel majestic to be considered a writer and creator of the Muppets, but the point is, he renewed me. My new mentor from heaven. And after reading this storybook of his life and mind, I know he is the type of person who would be rolling around in his grave right now smiling ear to ear for helping a lost puppy follow the yellow brick road back to Emerald City. So, for my first blog in two months, I decided to share something with my beloved readers. Not only am I going to share my newly christened journal (with MANY things left out--especially the money making ideas) to vent and re-instill my inspirations--to kick me in the behind & tell me to get going with following my dreams--but also so my lovely friends, family, stalkers, and other lost puppies, see that...well, folks, making a career out of love really isn't that crazy.
I hope after the rest of my ranting, you will see what Jim Hansen showed me: it is not just a "love career," but a conglomeration of finding your inner child, using your imagination, and creating something that can give you joy because of the joy it brings others.
(italicized is my writing)
My life is basically a very fortunate one and I first of all have no big complaints.
Things that inspire me and I would like to be reminded of everyday. Jim Hansen and I seem to be a similar seed of a zany flower--with a heart encompassed of a vibrant imagination. Through all of this uncertainty of the future and my feelings of just living, breathing, and giving love in this lifetime seem not as crazy because of him.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows,
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard and answered,
When wished on the morning star.
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing,
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Jim inspired people to be better than they thought they could be. To be more creative, more daring, more outrageous, and ultimately more successful. And he did it all without raising his voice. -Bernie Brillstein
This is what I want to instill on people in my life & to leave the world with loved ones feeling this about me. We SEE with our eyes and we KNOW with our hearts. Outside...inside. Follow your heart. I think he lived by example. To show other people how to be by who you are. I believe I can be better.
Whenever there's a dream worth a-dreamin'
And you want to see that dream come true
There'll be plenty people talkin',
Say forget all about it
Say it isn't worth all the trouble,
All the trouble that you're goin' through
Well, what can you do?
You can't take no for an answer
You can't take no for an answer
You can't take no for an answer.
No, no, no!
Whatcha gonna do when times get tough,
And the world's treatin' you unkind?
You've got to hang on to your optimistic outlook,
And keep possession of your positive state of mind.
Well, when the path is steep and stony and the night is all around
And the way that you must take is far away
When your heart is lost and lonely and the map cannot be found
Here's a simple little spell that you can say:
You've got to face facts, act fast on your own
Preparation, perspiration, DYNAMITE DETERMINATION.
Pack snacks, make tracks all alone
Don't be cute. Time to scoot. Head out to your destination.
Chase the future, face the great unknown.
My dream is making other people happy, and it's the kind of dream that gets better the more people I share it with. Together we'll nab it. US-OURS-WE-NOT ME.
"Jim was the fellow who uncorked the bottle. He not only uncorked the bottle, he also shook it up". Frank OZ
I love wine. I think that quote should refer to me please.
"As children we all live in a world of imagination, of fantasy, and for some of us that world of make-believe continues into adulthood. Certainly I've lived my whole life through my imagination. But the world of imagination is there for all of us-a sense of play, of pretending, of wonder. It's there with us as we live". Jim
Life's like a movie. I sometimes live too much through movies-thinking I can re-create reality to fit my own utopia. Fiction. Ugh, fiction. It's my best friend and my worst enemy. I have to write my own ending, a real one. Just Keep believing, just keep pretending. It will come to me. I'm a smart gal, I just need to re-create something majestic.
Be lovely in your ways
People are generally good.
Love expecting nothing in return
The heart is generally good.
Make your own map and follow it true
Everywhere you end up will be generally good.
At this point, I was a 1/2 a bottle of wine deep and getting wildly deep into my thoughts, so prepare yourself--Maybe a weird side of Liz you've never seen & maybe never wanted to.
Too much wine
And too much time
Why can't I put into words
Which my mind always seems to find?
I have the spins
With thoughts overflowing
Yet when the pen touches the paper
My mind stops glowing.
Dear old imagination
Trying to bring me back thoughts of being a child.
Children's bookstore owner
Children's bookstore employee (no salary??)
Children's bookstore owner with photog extravaganzas & storytelling
Assistant to Wedding Planner
Assistant/Secretary at a Publishing Company?
Public Relations (would be great at, but fuck that)
Event Planning Company
Real Estate Agent??? Fulfills both my creative side & people skills with a small hunger for the business world. I would make a lot of people happy and think I'm moving in the "right" direction, but would I really love it?? Look at how engulfed my mother is in her business--change, change, change. Everything inevitably changes and naturally desire and greed take over things. I believe its about the decisions you make that ultimately bring out that natural desire and greed. If you choose the situation which you believe fits your personality the best, the only thing which will change is your success.
Secretary-I would be great at, but its sad to say-I'd feel less of myself
Radio Station?? Horrible voice, too much imagination going on in the head and less through technology. --Well, except now. Oxymoron?
Dog walker-Side job for sure
Leprechaun?? I fucking want that pot of gold
Qualities I believe I possess and wish to Google with the result of a career:
Great people person
Good writer (no, great writer...at least I think so?)
Background knowledge of Religion, Culture, and critically thinking (so contradictory but nonetheless amazing). I honestly would never take back majoring in Religious Studies. I know I chose it as my major solely to graduate in 4 years, which is now 4 1/2 years, but it has sincerely changed me in the most gratifying ways possible. My studies have helped me feel comfortable in my own skin and truly know that not conforming and following the ways people intend you to go bring much better joy and satisfaction than following someone's dreams. I went from a Business major following the norms of my small hometown and compromising for going to ASU. I cared too much about what I was going to tell people over Christmas Break rather than achieving it myself. Then, Communications. Oh, dear old Communications Department. I hated you. I thought I could discover a new passion with you because everyone else said I would be great at it. And finally, I chose the shorter road to graduation. But it stuck. Big time. It awakened my mind and I began THINKING like I used to. I started appreciating the things in life again that I had lost and stowed away for so long. Ahhh, the joy of re-discovering who you are and the little things in life that used to make you glee. Books, Music, Alcohol-(excessive=not good)-Love, REALITY. It all came to light. I am very thankful for my adviser that day. I wish I remember her name, because she really did more to one student out of 60,000 + than I think she knows.
Great with children
Great with animals (especially dogs) except I can't handle anything morbid involved. Too heartbreaking.
Artistic (not so much drawing)
Friendly (Jim Hansen comes in here)
LOVE (I keep using that word-FUCK. Joey would already be shaking his head right now because of it)
Great manners (thank you Lily-Pulitzer cloned mother)
Descent style (not shoes)
Genuine (I like to think)
Generally have GENUINE intentions
Organized? I don't know-not so much with my things but more with others.
I seem to enjoy doing more for others than myself. Do I try to live through other people's lives? Would I be a great assistant for this reason? Haha, oh dear, THAT's what I take from asking myself if I try to live through other people's lives.
My love for fiction-do I underestimate myself?
What gives my life meaning?
People say I need to live for ME, discover ME, succeed for ME, and find my OWN ambitions. WELL, DUH! I agree!!!!! But why can't I have both-why does there have to be a compromise? What if I am just inevitably in love with loving? Can't a person be selfless, while still wanting some materialistic things that make them feel lovely, primped, and a true lady? Not talking the best shit here, just a current trip to the thrift shop and hair lady to feel special. When I think of living a life solely for ME, it does not sound satisfactory, but that in fact something will always be missing. NOT SHARING IT WITH SOMEBODY! What does this immense satisfaction I thrive for in making other people happy mean? Am I insecure at heart? Do I have past issues that subconsciously makes me feel I need to BE loved? Is that my persistent reasoning of wanting to give love? To receive love BACK? Fuck. Now it's pouring out. At four in the stinking morning.
Are these emotions I am not recognizing because I suppress them??? Do I have unresolved issues from the past I just force myself to forget and its now inadvertently showing/telling me? What is with all of this love?
I know I am a good person.
I know who I love and want to devote my life to.
I know who my true friends are.
I have a wonderful support system.
I have an exceptional mind-
Why all of this love???
It has always been tattooed in me, but lately it has been bleeding out. Dreams, books, small signs-they are all latching to me and teetering in my brain to be leaked out. I don't know if it is just another sign, but I can't seem to put the meanings, actions, and emotions of love down.
That's all folks.