Thursday, September 2, 2010

twenty-three candles.

In my experience, whatever happens clings to us like barnacles on the hull of a ship, slowing us slightly, both uglifying and giving us texture. You can scrape those damn barnacles all you want, you can - and if you have money, welp, you can hire someone else to scrape...but it's those barnacles that will always come back, or at least leave a blemish on the steel.

...and sometimes, once every blue moon, you are lucky enough to have your cake and eat it too.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

All the sweet serenity of books

When you consider that the world's greatest thinkers have put their thoughts, opinions, and ideas into a format that we can access, isn't it a shame that most people don't bother to read, to explore the contents, and to see how those thoughts, opinions, and ideas can change their lives? We have a chance to have a few hours of intimate discourse with people we would never have met otherwise, how lucky are we? Over the years I have taken great pride in my book collection, and as I journeyed back East, I made sure my bounded pieces of heaven tagged along. Inspiration is the essence of living, and I felt obliged to share with you those words of some of the most majestic thinkers that have helped me facilitate my wild imagination, laugh uncontrollably, and appreciate my love for the written word. I mean, even Abe Lincoln said, "Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all."

"If you take a book with you on a journey, an odd thing happens. The book begins collecting your memories. And forever after you have only to open that book to be back where you first read it. It will all come into your mind with the very first words - the sights you saw in that place, what it smelled like, the ice cream you ate while you were reading it...yes, books are like flypaper--memories cling to the printed page better than anything else." -
Inkheart, Cornelia Funke

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny." -Deep Thoughts, Jack Handey

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the grown and yelled up to the heavens, "Why God? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pissed me off." -Storm of the Century, Stephen King

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." -Gloria Steinem

"You get a little moody sometimes but I think that's because you like to read. People that like to read are always a little fucked up." -The Prince of Tides, Pat Conroy

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." -Studly Einstein

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading." -William Styron

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." -Anais Nin

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." -Alarms and Discursions, G.K. Chesterton

"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." -Joss Whedon

"People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict." -The Grim Grotto, Lemony Snicket

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman (I love you)

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." -Zen in the Art of Writing, Ray Bradbury.

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept." -Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes guys)

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." -Magical Thinking: True Stories, Augusten Burroughs

"If more of us valued food and cheer above hoarded gold, it would be a much merrier world." -J.R.R. Tolkien

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it." -W.C. Fields

"I can never read all the books I want, I can never be all the people I want, and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited." -Sylvia Plath

"The Paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one nights stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or just hit delete...Remember, to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person might not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind." -Bob Moorehead

"Taking one's chances is like taking a bath, because sometimes you end up feeling comfortable and warm, and sometimes there is something terrible lurking around that you cannot see until it is too late and you can do nothing else but scream and cling to a plastic duck." -Lemony Snicket

"Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." -A Man Without a Country, Kurt Vonnegut

"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create." -Choke, Chuck Palahniuk

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple." -The Dharma Bums, Jack Kerouac

"Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters." -Neil Gaiman

"If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too." -Dr. Seuss

"Book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. It is not a hobby, those who do it must do it. Those who do not do it, think of it as a cousin of stamp collecting, a sister of the trophy cabinet, bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind." -Jeanette Winterson

"Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind." -Don Quixote, Cervantes

"If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it walls, and we will furnish it with soft, red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweler's felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does." -Everything is Illuminated (A MUST READ) Jonathan Safran Foer

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." -Miss Piggy, Jim Henson

"Reality continues to ruin my life" -Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

"Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them." -Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid, Lemony Snicket

"You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children." -Madeleine L'Engle

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduces you to your spiritual master..." -Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' - your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." -Twain

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." -Ronald Dahl

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." -C.S. Lewis

"Life isn't divided into genres. It's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky." -Alan Moore

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Einstein

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience-this is the ideal life." -Twain

"If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em." -John Water

"Literature is a luxury-Fiction is a necessity." -G.K. Chesterton

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out, and taken yours." -The History Boys, Alan Bennett

And last but not least, from one of my favorite books, American Gods, by one of my favorite writers, Neil Gaiman...

I can believe in things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not.

I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are
perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.

I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.

I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste.

I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds.

I believe that the greatest poets of last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.

I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.

I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.

I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too.

I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.

I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

Amen Neil Gaiman.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

After the Cello

Books and songs, films, poems, roses, candy--even days have been dedicated to it. Shit, I even wanted to make a career out of it, but what do we understand of love? There are as many answers to the boundless questions about love as there are lovers to ask them. Love has ever delighted and perplexed, inspired and confounded. And here, within my own heartbreak, I want to visit love from a certain angle in an attempt to show how this celebrated and mysterious emotion has been, and ever will be, the one enduring obsession of humankind.

Love doesn't necessarily have to pertain to a lover, but it can live within your family, friendships, animal companions, work, hobbies, passions, inspirations, and even materialistic objects like your beloved guitar. So, as I trekked Eastbound, I felt it was essential to shed a few tears for those that I love back in the desert, and delve into one of the most ageless, darling words. Now, I hate discussing my own relationship footlights, so I am going to do what I do best, and opt to write about the bright side of love, but in doing so I may have to analyze bits of my wacky love life. I apologize. Whilst there may be some pessimistic underlying notions of love, note that they have all been repaired. I already have a book in mind dedicated to all of those previously broken pieces...

The most important heartbreak I am speaking of comes from leaving the aesthetic pleasures of the Arizona palm trees and the eccentric breeze they grant you on an eighty degree sun-drenched day, allowing your amigos and you to lay aimlessly by the pool sipping wine at any hour. I mean, essentially, it was those five years I spent in this season-free place that bloomed my imagination, vision, and bestowed me memories to write about. I drank a lot. I formed lifetime friendships. I laughed and smiled day after day. And it was my Hunter S. Thompson guise fashioned from my friends and the booze that ultimately sparked my inspiration to dig deep into my imagination. Love must come to you when you need it the most, because love became the creator of my many memories and the foundation for my fondest dreams. There is no reasoning with the heart-it is simply the greatest instinct. In fact, the heart has its reasons that fucking reason does not even know at all. And while reason and love may be strangers, in love it is the heart that rules the head. So, follow your heart, because when we look back on our lives, we find that those things we did in the spirit of love represent the moments we were truly alive.

Simply for the positivity that arises from my delicate situation, and to express the severity of never giving up on following your heart, I must break into the personal life safe. I did in fact pursue my heart recently, and it bit me in the ass. However, love gave me a fresh dream to chase, and despite my fears, I fucking followed my heart again. Second time's a charm, right? And I am not going to say I wasn't angry with the world, with "love", or life for a while, but I allowed love to pick me back up and show me the joys that life has to offer-with LOTS of help from my friends. Am I open to loving again even though it didn't work out for me the first time? Absolutely. However, I will definitely put the entire dating mania on hold for a while, but I do not regret a single obstacle I put my heart through. I don't regret wearing it on my sleeve, because the only way to learn about love is by loving, and you must love with all of your heart. I did that. It is a lovely and fearful thing, but great love takes great daring. I took that dare. And after it didn't work out, love let me live it up again for a while, and it was fucking fabulous. Remember, love is always on your side, and so is your heart. They come hand in hand, and they will steer you to the place you are meant to carry out your wildest dreams. Love is still, and always will be, the sweetest gift of all, whether we give it or receive it.

Now, I recognize that all of my optimism can become old and bothersome, but you have to appreciate the fine things through the unpleasant. I am certain that if I did not allow my hopefulness to luster the shitty things in life, I would have become senseless by now. So, the hell with you pessimists, I am going to try and spread some more good spirits and love, because it is the greatest transforming power. And it is love that may wind up hurting us, but at the same time, it gives us strength to endure. It makes the heart strong when the body is weak, and love sure as shit does not bear grudges. We go through life seeing things not as they are but as we are, and love is the only lens available to straighten out our vision of the world and offer some hope of understanding.

Everything DEFINITELY happens for a reason.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Strange Overtones

Topic of the day: Generosity. It can be overwhelmingly difficult to pin down, since the purest examples often go unnoticed, but generosity works its magic wherever people come together, and it sure as hell lives all around us! And one thing should become apparent after this terrible ranting of mine-that generosity allows us all to enjoy our share of the treasures that the world has to offer.

The first word that comes to mind when I hear that lovely ten letter word is cheerfulness. Yes, that grandiose word 'cheerfulness'. Not sharing, caring, daring, what have you, but cheerfulness. In my eyes & freakishly weird brain, generosity is the off-shoot of cheerfulness and gratitude-it can blunt the sting of unkindness in others, and it most definitely can be a simple spontaneous expression of enthusiasm. Wow, Webster should have opted for my beautiful definition...but on a serious note, it is exhilarating. Just sitting at the computer and trying to tackle the impossible and discovering the logical--especially with a word so profound and dense--reinvents you. Generosity is everywhere, and everywhere there is something incredible waiting to be shared. I mean, shit, its like a treasure chest that grants wishes, and delving into finding meaning of what many people probably just see as a word makes you look through a wide-angle & allows you a view of the whole of humanity. It is absolutely glorious. And so, I thought I would share with you another one of my lost puppy, recently found, moments--but on generosity's terms this time.

But first, I think it is important to express the reasoning for this blog and what provoked me to do some discovering. I am unfortunately a person who does not realize things until they are actually happening, and when they do happen, I over-analyze the shit out of them. For example, I was emotionless about Graduation until that moment I was standing there, shaking the Dean's hand, receiving my diploma. Not a good trait of mine, believe me--but that is insignificant. As most of you have heard, an unfathomable catastrophe has happened in Haiti. On January 12, 2010, the country was struck by a 7.0 magnitude earthquake, destroying the capital and killing over 100,000 Haitians. Heart-wrenching. Seeing photos, watching the news, and sitting here surrounded by my luxuries, the actuality of the event "hit" me--making me realize that lavishness may last until the money runs out, but its generosity that lasts a lifetime. Now, I know that I cannot save the world, and that my ten dollar donation to the Red Cross does not do justice to those who perished--or even to the state that Haiti is in at this time--but I do know that I sure as shit can make generosity shine through words. I can make it the center of attention, because we all know that a dose of generosity is exactly what Haiti needs right now. And there are many things that the world can do without, but generosity is not one of them.

So, here it goes...Generosity, I hope I make you shine.

We all possess a natural will to help others, but it simply cannot blossom without being nurtured here is the big secret of generosity: use your extra energy to help someone else rather than try to get to the top first! It cannot be something you just do in your spare time, but an everyday act of lifting a person up. And I assure you that if you arise cheerfully & live the day in happy readiness to be generous, there is no such thing as waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
--My Boulevard to Generosity for You--
Take the time to understand the best in others & compliment often.
Give even when you stand to lose out as a result.
Find your own peace, then pass it on.
Don't wait for people to be friendly-show them how instead.
Whoever you meet, always try to put them at their ease.
Show a willingness to see things from another person's position, even if you don't like the view.
We are never as generous as we think.
In life, try to be interested in the whole story, not just your own scenes.

Give lots of hugs.

Don't use the audacity of a beggar as an excuse for not helping them.

Love loudly & be generous in silence.

Whenever you see someone in distress, don't pity them--relieve them of their burden.

Accept tough challenges and trek into them with joy and enthusiasm.

Don't ask if there is anything you can do, simply do it.

And most importantly, you cannot force others to be generous--the best you can expect is to set an example.


So ladies and gents, generosity is in fact a cinch--and it is easy to put yourself to good use if you always remember you are needed. And hey, generosity has no size. There is never too little or too much cheerfulness. In fact, my little piece of heaven sleeping next to me lives and breathes for long walks, and guess what, I am a vital factor to fulfilling that desire of hers, I am needed. So, as my words leave off, my generosity begins--and it makes me smile to think its just by the wagging of her tail and a walk to the park.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

ATTN: Lost Puppy Found

Apparently Fall brings inspiration-because I have yet to blog since the first of September. Well...I suppose a quickie of these past two months in a nutshell is suitable: things have been mediocre, and I have been on cruise control for a solid sixty days. BUT...with the help of a Barnes&Noble trip and a new journal last night, I have turned that cruise control baby off, and I feel like I'm not just coasting anymore. And I must admit...a little book guided me to the light.
Lo and behold, the reason for my epiphany:
It's Not Easy Being Green
But first.
6:30 P.M.---I'm antsy, smelly, sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a stuffy classroom, and discussing mediated memories in the digital age. Over it. I put my knee up against the rim of the table, place my notepad on it, and I pretend I'm taking notes on van Dijck and her brilliant account of bullshit...I continuously nod my head, and voice a little "Yes, absolutely," every blue moon. Now, the art of pretending you're paying attention in a 12 person, 4 hour long Religion 405 seminar is to make sure that none of your other bored fellow classmates see you are actually not paying attention. Religious Studies students are amazing, but they are nosy as shit. And they will call you out for it. So, the knee on the table trick is the perfect way to keep their pestering eyes off my dazzling list of career possibilities. It is already a page long, and starts with a librarian & ends with a leprechaun. Whelp. I'm screwed. No, just kidding, there are some normal ones in there--but either way, each one of my dream careers entail an underlying notion of something that has been pestering my brain for these two months now. Something that I always lead back to when trying to be practical about my life after constant desire to simply give love in this lifetime and be in love with loving. To fulfill a life of simply giving and putting a smile on someone's face-whether a child, the neighborhood slut, or even Kermit the frog puppet himself (that's an easy one). Just to make a career out of's what I'm good at, and when you read my thoughts later, you will understand more of the details of such a luxurious career.

IMPORTANT: Keep in mind that every single stinking time careers come up at bars, dinners, on the toilet, I sound nuts.

But the question is: Am I really nuts? That is where my new favorite book & epiphany chime in.
8:30 P.M.----I'm sitting in the library video chatting with Jessie, volume on mute, and watching her shed enough tears for a leprechaun to water his plants for a year. Consoling my best friend, I had this sudden urge to make a trip to Barnes&Noble (Not Borders, I'm a loyal B&N member). And when I normally feel these urges, I go with it. Nine out of ten times something lands in my lap and makes me feel like I can put the pedal to the metal and get the fuck off cruise control. And well, sometimes what falls into my lap is also my double shot Venti Cafe Americano that burns my vagina, but a book often follows. Anyway, I could not get this whole "love" thing out of my mind. I wasn't searching for any answers either-I have literally had this notion teetering in my brain for months now, and I was just about to throw it on the back-burner----do away with its constant nagging and how pitiful it made me feel--until Kermit. I was having dreams, INTENSE dreams, screaming at me to write things down, and I just couldn't.
Quick note: Not too long ago I was obsessed with the Twilight saga and I spent too much time thinking of vampires. Good example-Joey was sick once, and apparently in the middle of the night, I turned to him and said, "You can bite me if you want". Why? Well, because I thought if he drank my fucking vampire blood he would heal faster. NUTS. Anyway, with this Twilight craze came constant refreshing on the website, etc...and once I stumbled upon a letter she had written that said:

I woke up (on that June 2nd) from a very vivid dream. In my dream, two people were having an intense conversation in a meadow in the woods. One of these people was just your average girl. The other person was fantastically beautiful, sparkly, and a vampire. They were discussing the difficulties inherent in the facts that A) they were falling in love with each other while B) the vampire was particularly attracted to the scent of her blood, and was having a difficult time restraining himself from killing her immediately.

Though I had a million things to do (i.e. making breakfast for hungry children, dressing and changing the diapers of said children, finding the swimsuits that no one ever puts away in the right place, etc.), I stayed in bed, thinking about the dream. I was so intrigued by the nameless couple's story that I hated the idea of forgetting it; it was the kind of dream that makes you want to call your friend and bore her with a detailed description. (Also, the vampire was just so darned good-looking, that I didn't want to lose the mental image.) Unwillingly, I eventually got up and did the immediate necessities, and then put everything that I possibly could on the back burner and sat down at the computer to write—something I hadn't done in so long that I wondered why I was bothering. But I didn't want to lose the dream, so I typed out as much as I could remember, calling the characters "he" and "she."

From that point on, not one day passed that I did not write something. On bad days, I would only type out a page or two; on good days, I would finish a chapter and then some. I started from the scene in the meadow and wrote through to the end. Then I went back to the beginning and wrote until the pieces matched up. I drove the "golden spike" that connected them in late August, three months later.

Point of this? First, anyone who knows me, knows I love fiction & I love writing. My dream has always been to be a writer, but I think that the world & NY Times Bestseller list doesn't deserve my shit. Second, I have seriously intense dreams, and have been starting to abide by what these dreams are telling me, because according to and Stephenie Meyer's, they are my pot of gold.

Okay, so back to Barnes&Noble. Probably around 10:00 now. I begin browsing for the perfect journal-I knew that needed to be my first goal-find a journal TONIGHT. I had been too cheap and putting it off for too long, and tonight I was feeling fierce and lustful, ready to buy myself a twenty dollar leather bound journal! Ha, just kidding, I'm not really that cheap, but I did go for the $12.95 one. I have been keeping my dreams and money making thoughts inside my head because I have been afraid I would fail at being great. But tonight, I was feeling lucky. And lucky I was.

As I was about to purchase my new snazzy journal, I saw that tiny green book glistening on the bottom shelf of the Bargain Priced books. I did a double-take...picked it up, saw Kermit on the front cover, and thought to myself, shit...I really used to love that frog. I opened it to a random page and it read-
"I believe that we form our own lives, that we create our own reality, and that everything works out for the best. I know I drive some people crazy with what seems to be ridiculous optimism, but it has always worked out for me".

Okay, thank you so fucking much Kermit.

That was it. I was planted on that floor for the next hour and I was marking pages, engulfed in the words of an optimist, someone who came down from heaven to show me that my dreams weren't as outlandish as they seemed.

Jim Hansen, my hero: Writer, father, lover, enthusiast, dreamer, child at heart, creator of the flipping Muppets!---Are those not all of the qualities I possess? Well, I'd rather be a mother instead, and it would feel majestic to be considered a writer and creator of the Muppets, but the point is, he renewed me. My new mentor from heaven. And after reading this storybook of his life and mind, I know he is the type of person who would be rolling around in his grave right now smiling ear to ear for helping a lost puppy follow the yellow brick road back to Emerald City. So, for my first blog in two months, I decided to share something with my beloved readers. Not only am I going to share my newly christened journal (with MANY things left out--especially the money making ideas) to vent and re-instill my inspirations--to kick me in the behind & tell me to get going with following my dreams--but also so my lovely friends, family, stalkers, and other lost puppies, see that...well, folks, making a career out of love really isn't that crazy.

I hope after the rest of my ranting, you will see what Jim Hansen showed me: it is not just a "love career," but a conglomeration of finding your inner child, using your imagination, and creating something that can give you joy because of the joy it brings others.

(italicized is my writing)

My life is basically a very fortunate one and I first of all have no big complaints.

Things that inspire me and I would like to be reminded of everyday. Jim Hansen and I seem to be a similar seed of a zany flower--with a heart encompassed of a vibrant imagination. Through all of this uncertainty of the future and my feelings of just living, breathing, and giving love in this lifetime seem not as crazy because of him.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows,
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered,
When wished on the morning star.
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing,
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Jim inspired people to be better than they thought they could be. To be more creative, more daring, more outrageous, and ultimately more successful. And he did it all without raising his voice. -Bernie Brillstein

This is what I want to instill on people in my life & to leave the world with loved ones feeling this about me. We SEE with our eyes and we KNOW with our hearts. Outside...inside. Follow your heart. I think he lived by example. To show other people how to be by who you are. I believe I can be better.

Whenever there's a dream worth a-dreamin'
And you want to see that dream come true
There'll be plenty people talkin',
Say forget all about it
Say it isn't worth all the trouble,
All the trouble that you're goin' through
Well, what can you do?

You can't take no for an answer
You can't take no for an answer
You can't take no for an answer.
No, no, no!

Whatcha gonna do when times get tough,
And the world's treatin' you unkind?
You've got to hang on to your optimistic outlook,
And keep possession of your positive state of mind.
-Dr. Teeth

Well, when the path is steep and stony and the night is all around
And the way that you must take is far away
When your heart is lost and lonely and the map cannot be found
Here's a simple little spell that you can say:
You've got to face facts, act fast on your own
Preparation, perspiration, DYNAMITE DETERMINATION.
Pack snacks, make tracks all alone
Don't be cute. Time to scoot. Head out to your destination.
Chase the future, face the great unknown.

My dream is making other people happy, and it's the kind of dream that gets better the more people I share it with. Together we'll nab it. US-OURS-WE-NOT ME.

"Jim was the fellow who uncorked the bottle. He not only uncorked the bottle, he also shook it up". Frank OZ

I love wine. I think that quote should refer to me please.

"As children we all live in a world of imagination, of fantasy, and for some of us that world of make-believe continues into adulthood. Certainly I've lived my whole life through my imagination. But the world of imagination is there for all of us-a sense of play, of pretending, of wonder. It's there with us as we live". Jim

Life's like a movie. I sometimes live too much through movies-thinking I can re-create reality to fit my own utopia. Fiction. Ugh, fiction. It's my best friend and my worst enemy. I have to write my own ending, a real one. Just Keep believing, just keep pretending. It will come to me. I'm a smart gal, I just need to re-create something majestic.

Be lovely in your ways
People are generally good.
Love expecting nothing in return
The heart is generally good.
Make your own map and follow it true
Everywhere you end up will be generally good.

At this point, I was a 1/2 a bottle of wine deep and getting wildly deep into my thoughts, so prepare yourself--Maybe a weird side of Liz you've never seen & maybe never wanted to.

Too much wine
And too much time
Why can't I put into words
Which my mind always seems to find?
I have the spins
With thoughts overflowing
Yet when the pen touches the paper
My mind stops glowing.
Dear old imagination
Running wild
Trying to bring me back thoughts of being a child.

Kindergarten Teacher
Children's bookstore owner
Children's bookstore employee (no salary??)
Children's bookstore owner with photog extravaganzas & storytelling
Wedding Planner
Assistant to Wedding Planner
Personal Assistant
Publishing Company
Assistant/Secretary at a Publishing Company?
Public Relations (would be great at, but fuck that)
Event Planning Company
Real Estate Agent??? Fulfills both my creative side & people skills with a small hunger for the business world. I would make a lot of people happy and think I'm moving in the "right" direction, but would I really love it?? Look at how engulfed my mother is in her business--change, change, change. Everything inevitably changes and naturally desire and greed take over things. I believe its about the decisions you make that ultimately bring out that natural desire and greed. If you choose the situation which you believe fits your personality the best, the only thing which will change is your success.
Secretary-I would be great at, but its sad to say-I'd feel less of myself
Radio Station?? Horrible voice, too much imagination going on in the head and less through technology. --Well, except now. Oxymoron?
Dog walker-Side job for sure
Leprechaun?? I fucking want that pot of gold

Qualities I believe I possess and wish to Google with the result of a career:
Great people person
Good writer (no, great least I think so?)
Background knowledge of Religion, Culture, and critically thinking (so contradictory but nonetheless amazing). I honestly would never take back majoring in Religious Studies. I know I chose it as my major solely to graduate in 4 years, which is now 4 1/2 years, but it has sincerely changed me in the most gratifying ways possible. My studies have helped me feel comfortable in my own skin and truly know that not conforming and following the ways people intend you to go bring much better joy and satisfaction than following someone's dreams. I went from a Business major following the norms of my small hometown and compromising for going to ASU. I cared too much about what I was going to tell people over Christmas Break rather than achieving it myself. Then, Communications. Oh, dear old Communications Department. I hated you. I thought I could discover a new passion with you because everyone else said I would be great at it. And finally, I chose the shorter road to graduation. But it stuck. Big time. It awakened my mind and I began THINKING like I used to. I started appreciating the things in life again that I had lost and stowed away for so long. Ahhh, the joy of re-discovering who you are and the little things in life that used to make you glee. Books, Music, Alcohol-(excessive=not good)-Love, REALITY. It all came to light. I am very thankful for my adviser that day. I wish I remember her name, because she really did more to one student out of 60,000 + than I think she knows.
Great with children
Great with animals (especially dogs) except I can't handle anything morbid involved. Too heartbreaking.
Artistic (not so much drawing)
Friendly (Jim Hansen comes in here)
Dislikes confrontation
Loves helping
Loves books
Loves cooking
Loves reading
Loves photography
LOVE (I keep using that word-FUCK. Joey would already be shaking his head right now because of it)
Great manners (thank you Lily-Pulitzer cloned mother)
Descent style (not shoes)
Family oriented
Genuine (I like to think)
Generally have GENUINE intentions
Traditional/Old school
Organized? I don't know-not so much with my things but more with others.
I seem to enjoy doing more for others than myself. Do I try to live through other people's lives? Would I be a great assistant for this reason? Haha, oh dear, THAT's what I take from asking myself if I try to live through other people's lives.
My love for fiction-do I underestimate myself?
What gives my life meaning?
People say I need to live for ME, discover ME, succeed for ME, and find my OWN ambitions. WELL, DUH! I agree!!!!! But why can't I have both-why does there have to be a compromise? What if I am just inevitably in love with loving? Can't a person be selfless, while still wanting some materialistic things that make them feel lovely, primped, and a true lady? Not talking the best shit here, just a current trip to the thrift shop and hair lady to feel special. When I think of living a life solely for ME, it does not sound satisfactory, but that in fact something will always be missing. NOT SHARING IT WITH SOMEBODY! What does this immense satisfaction I thrive for in making other people happy mean? Am I insecure at heart? Do I have past issues that subconsciously makes me feel I need to BE loved? Is that my persistent reasoning of wanting to give love? To receive love BACK? Fuck. Now it's pouring out. At four in the stinking morning.
Are these emotions I am not recognizing because I suppress them??? Do I have unresolved issues from the past I just force myself to forget and its now inadvertently showing/telling me? What is with all of this love?
I know I am a good person.
I know who I love and want to devote my life to.
I know who my true friends are.
I have a wonderful support system.
I have an exceptional mind-
Why all of this love???
It has always been tattooed in me, but lately it has been bleeding out. Dreams, books, small signs-they are all latching to me and teetering in my brain to be leaked out. I don't know if it is just another sign, but I can't seem to put the meanings, actions, and emotions of love down.

That's all folks.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hunter S. Thompson

It's a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die. Who knows? If there is in fact, a heaven and a hell, all we know for sure is that hell will be a viciously overcrowded version of Phoenix — a clean well lighted place full of sunshine and bromides and fast cars where almost everybody seems vaguely happy, except those who know in their hearts what is missing... And being driven slowly and quietly into the kind of terminal craziness that comes with finally understanding that the one thing you want is not there. Missing. Back-ordered. No tengo. Vaya con dios. Grow up! Small is better. Take what you can get...

Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish — a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow — to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whiskey, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested...
Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll.

Fiction is based on reality unless you're a fairy-tale artist, you have to get your knowledge of life from somewhere. You have to know the material you're writing about before you alter it.

Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

An overweening interest in humanity

Expressing some basic human emotions--tragedy, ecstasy, doom, and so on...
The song Big White Gate by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals inspired this one--Please listen to it while you look at this photo. Not only will you understand its meaning more, but you may even shed a tear.

This one will pick you right back up, but only if you listen to Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again by Cat Power. To be honest, any time I need a little lift me up, I blast this song on our speakers. Plus, who doesn't love Cat Power, and of course, my sexy red-haired lady...her name is Ginger.